I know. But all too often the scenario comes about where a person, and I’m speaking generally here, will do something to me or say something to me that I do not like. That hurts/annoys/insults me. Now there are two possibilities, the first being that they didn’t mean it and the second being that said person is completely aware of what they are doing. And the aware people break down into different categories as well, one of which is the “I know this will hurt you, but I’m being selfish and if you call me out on it I’ll just apologise to you and it’ll be okay.” I hate those people.
There is also always the possibility that I’m being a dick, or in a bad mood, and that’s cool. I take that into consideration as well. So lets discount it for now. Most people when upset about something that has been said or done will ignore it, try to get over it, generally avoid confrontation or arguments in order to stay safe and away from the possibility of more upset.This is not me.
I will bring up any issues I have. I will say “that isn’t okay with me.” I will say “That hurt me.” And because I do this often I get the angry tag stapled to me like a big red warning sign. This girl will not take shit. This girl values herself and believes others should too, and if they don’t, she doesn’t need them in her life. Again, my personal decision. But the thing I have an issue with is that women cannot portray themselves as strong without being seen as some type of Harpy, evil feminist bitch who hates everyone and is confrontational. A woman that says “No, that is not okay to say to me” is seen as making too much of a fuss. Unless something really bad has happened we are often expected to keep quiet about it, fuck, men have the same pressures on them, even more so. “Grow a pair.” “It’s just bants.”
People, THERE IS NO REASON WHY ANYBODY ELSE SHOULD EVER MAKE YOU UNCOMFORTABLE. Not people that you call friends. We should be able to raise the issue that something wasn’t very nice, without being instantly shunned for it or seen as a trouble maker. When somebody fucks up, and they apologise, we find ourselves listing their good qualities in some sort of effort to raise them back to where they were before as though being a friend to somebody is black and white, easy. Yeah, everyone makes mistakes. Everybody fucks up, that’s no reason to cut somebody out of your life. But equally, someone who cares about you and loves you does not then get a free pass to hurt or insult you because they do nice things 99% of the time. Those mistakes still happened to you, you bore the brunt of them tripping up. You have valid, normal feelings, because someone else decided to act in a way that they were aware would hurt you, but they put themselves first.
You love and care for them, you want them as friends still, you hate arguing. This does not mean all should be forgotten.
The key here is that acknowledging pain and asking for others to acknowledge it is not “argumentative.” In a society where we value our friends and their opinions and feelings, you do not have to let others do things to you that you do not like. Even the small things, you are worth more. The words that we use to talk about this type of thing have morphed into other meanings with influence still weighing down from centuries of past oppression and the only way to change it is to question yourself a little more. When I say to someone “I’m not going to take any shit.” That is not a delicate shield I have put up around myself, or me being uber sensitive and looking for a fight. That is me saying, If someone does something to me that I do not like I will walk away or ask said person to leave, I will leave that situation and person because they provide no positive qualities to me and I hold myself to a higher standard for people I spend time with.
I’m not asking anyone to change or step out of their comfort zone. I would simply like more people to empower themselves, and for society not to then oppress those people by labelling them problematic. I am not problematic. I do not ask you to endure me. If you want to be around me and my daughter, you meet my standards or leave. They are not difficult standards, I am not a difficult woman. I am valued.
(Inspired by a lot of things happening to me recently, culminating in a great discussion between me and the beautiful Gemma. I felt I needed to write out my philosophy in order really to understand it more myself. I am a work in progress, do not feel I’m aiming to do anything more than convince you to listen. )