Can you teach me to see into the future
maybe I can find you there, maybe I will tinge blue,
where the oceans creep along the shore towards
the hearts that lust for it most. Drowning those
in its way. Teach me not to be afraid every day,
every time the lights go out, every time
a weapon is too far away. Quotes for my
heaving, full of you throat. The sudden realisation
that I will not see you this weekend.
There’s nothing to blame, no anger to
distract myself with, only a childlike weighted drop
in the pit of my chest.
Every day for me is a subconscious
battle over what I used to be. Before every small
action of comfort or happiness my mind has already
thrown every negative possibility at me, and I’ve punched
each thought in the throat. I cannot afford the “what if”‘
once they get into my lungs that is it
I can’t shake them free. I can’t be me and happy.
There is no reason, a thousand triggers.
The stronger, better me gets bigger and bigger
but always a war with the questions and the disbelief
that tells me I don’t deserve this, and something must,
therefore, be wrong. I fight with nail and teeth to become
a warrior, mighty, proud and strong.
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